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Post by ZandraJoi on May 20, 2020 20:55:27 GMT -5
Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband : Nothing. Wife : 'Nothing…? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband : 'I was looking for the expiration date.' ------------------------------- Wife : 'Do you want dinner?' Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?' Wife : 'Yes or no.' ------------------------------- Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?' Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.' Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?' Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?' ---------------------------------------------------- Stress Reliever-- Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.' Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.' Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.' ------------------------------ A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?' 'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!' ---------------------------------------------------- Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. The guy replies: 'Thanks for the warning.' ------------------------------- A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor. ------------------------------- Save the Earth It's the only planet with CHOCOLATE
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Post by ZandraJoi on May 24, 2020 20:27:58 GMT -5
Two men driving Model T Fords met right in the middle of a one-lane bridge. As they came to a stop, one of the drivers snarled, "I never back up for fools." "That's okay," smiled the second man as he shifted into reverse. "I do."
Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with i. Millie: I is… Teacher: No, Millie. Always say, "I am." Millie: Okay, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
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Post by ellyfant on May 25, 2020 14:03:59 GMT -5
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Post by ZandraJoi on Jun 10, 2020 20:30:26 GMT -5
Three men were in the maternity ward waiting room when a doctor came in and told one of them, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins." "What a coincidence," said the man. "I play for the Minnesota Twins." A second doctor then came in and told another man, "Congratulations, you're the father of triplets." "What a coincidence," said the man. "I work for 3M." At that point, the third man fainted. When a doctor brought him to, he asked the man if he was all right. "No, I'm not," the man said. "I work for 7 Up."
Said one tourist to another, “On my trip to Africa, I played poker w/ members of one of the local tribes.” “Zulus?” “No; I won!”
The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It’s 5:00 a.m. Wake up.” Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
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Post by ellyfant on Jun 11, 2020 14:47:33 GMT -5
Haha, loved the Silent Treatment
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Post by Bob on Jun 18, 2020 19:47:35 GMT -5
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O'Shea!
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Post by Bob on Jun 18, 2020 19:48:54 GMT -5
I just got a job making plastic Draculas. There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count!
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Post by Bob on Jul 5, 2020 18:45:16 GMT -5
Why do Stormtroopers only have iphones? Because they couldn't find the Androids they were looking for!
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Post by Bob on Jul 5, 2020 18:46:25 GMT -5
My buddy said he doesn't know what cloning is. I told him that makes two of us!
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Post by Bob on Jul 5, 2020 18:50:58 GMT -5
A man sued an airline company after they lost his luggage. Sadly he lost his case.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2020 16:53:35 GMT -5
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Post by ZandraJoi on Aug 11, 2020 20:10:13 GMT -5
At 70 you are but a child, at 80 you are merely a youth, and at 90 if the ancestors invite you into heaven, ask them to wait until you are 100 and then you might consider it.- Okinawa proverb A lawyer is someone willing to spend every cent you own to prove he’s right.- Unknown Next to being a great poet is the remarkable power for understanding one.- Unknown Victor Borge told a friend that he could tell time by his piano & offered to demonstrate. He pounded out a crashing march. Immediately there came a banging on the wall & a shrill voice screamed: "Stop that noise! Don't you know it's one-thirty in the morning?" I’ve had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you’re carrying a grudge, they’re out dancing.- Buddy Hackett (American Comedian) A sense of humor is what makes you laugh at something that would make you mad if it happened to you.- Unknown It’s hard for the modern generation to understand Thoreau, who lived beside a pond, but didn’t own water skis or a snorkel.- Loudon Wainwright III A banker is a person who is willing to make a loan if you present sufficient evidence to show that you don’t need it.- Herbert V. Prochnow
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Post by ZandraJoi on Aug 11, 2020 20:13:28 GMT -5
Show me a man with his head held high & I’ll show you a man who cannot get used to his bifocals.- Unknown Most people manage to look their very best about 1 second after the camera clicks.- Unknown Pay no attention to what the critics say. There has never been a statue erected to a critic.- Jean Sibelius (1865-1957, Finnish composer & violinist of late Romantic & early-modern periods) He who laughs last probably had to have it explained.- Unknown Habitual speeders are usually refined.- Unknown Love your enemies, & they will wonder what kind of deal you are trying to pull.- Unknown A bright eye indicates curiosity; a black eye, too much.- Evan Esar
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Post by ZandraJoi on Aug 12, 2020 9:10:49 GMT -5
The employee who watches the clock will always be one of the hands.- Unknown I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.- Will RogersThis morning I missed a hole in one by 8 strokes.- UnknownTo my children: Never make fun of having to help me with computer stuff. I taught you how to use a spoon.- Sue Fitzmauricekickasshumor.com/c/1/funny-chuck-norris-jokes Tho some can be raunchy, these were good: Chuck Norris eats gummy bears and shits out grizzly bears. Chuck Norris isn't even that great. If he was so great, he would come up behind me right now and slam my head on the keybswuhowdbfoecn ejefj cjehcefj. Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet; he scares the shit out of it.
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Post by ZandraJoi on Aug 13, 2020 12:49:11 GMT -5
My notes: Love this! For those who don’t recognize, it’s the Baby from Dinosaurs & Queen singer.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2020 20:43:47 GMT -5
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Post by ZandraJoi on Aug 15, 2020 9:08:37 GMT -5
It's difficult to take advice from some persons. They need it so badly themselves.- Unknown She became an editor because the work is rewording.- Unknown When the vampire became a poet, everyone said he went from bat to verse.- Unknown Those who use scissors on the job have their work cut out for them.- Unknown A babysitter is a teenager who comes in to act like an adult while the adults go out to act like teenagers.- Unknown
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Post by Bob on Aug 17, 2020 17:23:19 GMT -5
What do you call a slow moving Poop?
A Turdle! LOL
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Post by Bob on Aug 17, 2020 17:25:24 GMT -5
I lost my notes for the book I was writing called, "101 ways to cure an itch".
I guess I'll have to start from scratch!
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Post by Bob on Aug 17, 2020 17:27:46 GMT -5
I once stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went!
Then it dawned on me!
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Post by Bob on Aug 17, 2020 17:29:16 GMT -5
Okay, one more!
A crazy wife says to her husband, "Moose are falling from the sky!".
He replied, "It's just reindeer.".
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Post by Bob on Aug 23, 2020 18:43:55 GMT -5
How did the farmer find his wife? He tractor down.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2020 20:11:57 GMT -5
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Post by ZandraJoi on Sept 1, 2020 20:12:12 GMT -5
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Post by ZandraJoi on Sept 1, 2020 20:16:57 GMT -5
“Ellen Unboxes a New Trend” Dylan Roche 14 y/o comedian
My notes: Ellen- This is funny! Second one, pretty good!
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Post by Bob on Sept 1, 2020 20:19:24 GMT -5
That is funny. Yeah, I never liked the bachelor and have never watched it.
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Post by ZandraJoi on Sept 2, 2020 11:16:01 GMT -5
www.viralnova.com/customer-interactions “20 Customer Service Conversations That Are So Stupid, They’ll Make Your Head Hurt No matter if you’ve worked in retail your entire life or just a single day, you’ve probably heard the saying “the customer is always right.” And while it might be true according to your store managers and your store’s code of ethics, as a retail associate you’ll discover pretty early on that people are incompetent. While most customers will be pretty easygoing, you’ll always have those who will make you mutter swear words under your breath and raise your blood pressure. Thankfully the website Not Always Right allows retail employees an outlet to share their hilarious customer run-ins for all the world to read. Here’s a collection of our favorite customer interactions that will make you question human intelligence.” My notes: SMH!
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Post by Bob on Sept 4, 2020 20:18:01 GMT -5
“Ellen Unboxes a New Trend” Dylan Roche 14 y/o comedian My notes: Ellen- This is funny! Second one, pretty good! You just never know about people sometimes. She's popular and a millionaire. Wow. Like Ellen said, #1 Why? and #2 Seriously, Why? Pretty good for 14.
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Post by Bob on Sept 4, 2020 20:24:14 GMT -5
www.viralnova.com/customer-interactions “20 Customer Service Conversations That Are So Stupid, They’ll Make Your Head Hurt No matter if you’ve worked in retail your entire life or just a single day, you’ve probably heard the saying “the customer is always right.” And while it might be true according to your store managers and your store’s code of ethics, as a retail associate you’ll discover pretty early on that people are incompetent. While most customers will be pretty easygoing, you’ll always have those who will make you mutter swear words under your breath and raise your blood pressure. Thankfully the website Not Always Right allows retail employees an outlet to share their hilarious customer run-ins for all the world to read. Here’s a collection of our favorite customer interactions that will make you question human intelligence.” My notes: SMH! Never underestimate the stupidity of humans. LOL
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2020 21:50:11 GMT -5
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